The crust of the matter...

The Invisible Crust is a new loaf of bread, brought out by breadmakers Hovis, that is the world's first crustless bread. Thousands of years of baking expertise has led to this one seminal moment where mothers of the world join hands and dance around the polka dot table-clothed dinner table singing thanks to the Lord of the baking industry who has delivered them from the countless hours they have slaved over loaves of bread, cutting off the crusts so that their snotty-nosed kids would eat their otherwise terrible P&J sandwiches. Man can now live on crustless bread alone.

In related news, the Knife industry held a secret meeting at the London Ramada to discuss steps to sabotage the Crustless Bread industry. Studies undertaken by the industry revealed that the reduced wear and tear on bread knives from moms no longer having to cut off crusts so that their snotty-nosed kids would eat their otherwise terrible P&J sandwiches, would result in a drop in sales of over 2 bread knives a month in London alone. The meeting saw several half-baked ideas presented but the clear cut winner was the suggestion of greeting bread industry leaders with a horse's head in their beds. This job is to be contracted to an outside horse-head enthusiast group who call themselves, rather unimaginatively, The Four Horsemen. The Knife group felt that outside contracting would have a two-fold upswing effect on sales - the bread industry would revert to their crusted version and it would also increase sales of horse-head knives. It's good to know that the entrepreneurial spirit is not dead.

Pigeons however may soon be going the dead route. Extensive surveys of the benches at London's Hyde Park have revealed that the crumbs lunchers throw for the pigeons at the park are exclusively from the yucky crust. If the knife industry fails in its bid to curb the crustless bread phenomenon, pigeons could soon have their goose cooked.

The Royal College of Historians are also protesting the death of the crust. The latest issue of the historical tome, 'History (an Edited version)- now with more bloodshed" is reported to contain a study by the Royal College of Historians proving that the crumbs Hansel and Gretel used to find their way back home were from the now-endangered bread crust. How this is a tragedy is beyond me. You'd rather have snotty-nosed brats lost in the forest and eaten by wolves who were thwarted by little red riding hood or the little pig who built his house out of stone, rather than throwing a tantrum at the dinner table because their P&J sandwich has a crust.

In other news, the knife industry has adopted the Bryan Adams song 'Cuts like a Knife' as their new theme song. Cute.