Money - the root of all happiness

In an impressive display of the inane ability of Ivy League institutions to spend incredible sums of money on insane projects, researchers from Harvard and Penn State have just concluded a study that proves that rich people are indeed happier than the poor.

Where between the flat-screen plasma tvs and the custom harleys was the fact lost that billionaires have more fun? When between Papadakis' mansion hogging Wall Street Journal space and Shaq's palace on cribs did we forget that it doesn't matter what a MasterCard commercial says, sleeping in a cardboardbox is no bleedin fun? Who between some lunatic Russian millionaire's bid to launch himself into space and TO complaining that he can't feed his family on just a couple of million dollars thought that the bottom of the barrel was in vogue?

The study said that that happiness was measured using a self-report response of "very happy", "pretty happy", or "not too happy". Two months into the survey, based on responses from poor people, a new choice of "what's happy?" was added.

The results of the survey has, understandably, raised a storm in economic circles. Two hobos who live in the traffic circle on Wall Street spent Monday morning protesting the happiness disparity. When contacted for their views, they said, "It's bad enough that we're at the bottom of the money ladder. We used to keep our spirits up by watching those Disney movies in store windows that always showed the poor mouse family huddled together in their tiny matchbox home, frozen, but obviously happier than the rich cat family. But with it having been proven that the rich are also happier than us, we are now demanding that we be provided with either happiness or riches."

$imone Greenback (yes, that's really her name), spokeswoman of the $noot Toot$, the local Philadelphia rich wives club, says that the survey can not be taken seriously because it does not take into consideration 'extraneous circumstances'. "For example," she says, "poor people are often homeless or struggling to keep a roof over their head. They either have no food or must rummage through a trash can to find some. In these cases, how do we expect them to be happy? The researchers neglected to control for these factors. Take a poor person, feed him, clothe him and give him a mansion. Then see if he's any less happier than us millionaires. The constitution of this great country says that we are all equal, and indeed we are in our happiness. The poor people are really just as happy as we are. If not, then let them eat cake."

At this point the interview was cut short by the local crazy who sleeps underneath the gargoyle at 30 St Station, who snatched Ms Greenback's purse and damaged her porsche, the keys to which were in her purse, by driving it into the unfortunate Ms Greenback. The crazy, when later contacted, denied the stolen prosche brought him any extra happiness. Though with gas prices soaring, this is hardly surprising.

Penn State researchers (shoutout to ramu) have announced the topic of their latest study - Does eating at McDonalds every day for 30 days have an adverse effect on a person's health?

Meanwhile, poverty-stricken people worldwide return home to their squalor despairing the revelation that they are not happy.